warning: below content extremely harmful to stomach muscles

i came across this somewhere on the internet (from the "party pooper" blog site) the other day. it apparently is a collection of pieces of history essays written by university students from some canadian college students. after reading these collections, i may never give koreans shit ever again for their poor grasp of english and its usage (unless, of course, like this, it is just so damned funny that i can't help passing it along...)

so, beware, your stomach muscles and tear ducts may be in dire need of medical attention after reading these insanely humourous attempts at describing history:

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medievel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up winning and losing.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France, and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human beings. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to nothern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level Europe was full of incredible churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical." Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.

World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers.

In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white. Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by governmental groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody.

War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

so, to recap what we just learned, ruminate over the following: everything you thought you knew about spelling was wrong; history actually started less than 200 years ago; diseases can be transmitted by the deadly etceteras; english is the national language of france and italy; spain could have strengthened its stranglehold on northern europe and india by conquering holland; the founder of a new italy was a sardine; voting in democratic countries could only be done by ballad; when people get killed in war, they aren't people anymore, but, instead, they become friends; the team colours in the russian revolution were red and white; there a mass anti-semantic movement against the jews; and WWII ended because of a nukuleer explosion.

however, there are still some things left unanswered, by my humble and unofficial tally:

1. why did middle-aged european merchants roam the countryside exposing themselves and organising fairies?

2. why were englishmen in the 1400s perpendicular?

3. what is a "yeowl"?

4. how did the middle ages manage to "slimpare" to a halt?

5. where did luther find a door big enough for him to nail 95 people to it?

6. how were two million people on the loose in a city of only a million (paris)?

7. why did u.s. president wilson bring 14 dogs to the meeting at versigh?

8. who is moosealini and why did he invade hi lee salasy? that seems a bit illogical...

bryce and friends at uncle 29

bars in korea are as ubiquitous as xenophobia at a(ny) fundamentalists' meeting. these fine drinking establishments are often fiercely competitive to gain customers. the owners of these dandy places are notorious for devising ruses to lure the quick-drigger trinkers (oops, got my "d" and "t" mistyped, should you endeavour to look more closely) into their dens of intoxication and one of the most prominent ruses is to have, at all costs, english on your sign or, more alluringly, an english name for the pub, even at the cost of ridicule throughout the english-speaking world.

however, i reference this because i want people to realise upon reading the title of today's headline on this specific aetherspatial point that i'm not referring to a new web site or to a dysfunctional new way to tell time or luridly alluding to one's familial relationships, but to make it clear that i'm talking about a guy we know here in gangneung playing every monday at a relatively new bar to which we have recently (okay, it's been longer than just "recently", but you get the idea...) begun to offer patronage.

as has been stressed in other quarters on this internet thing, gangneung is not a big city by korean standards--boasting a population of less than 300,000-- and, therefore, there are not so many bars, clubs, and drinking establishments where a non-korean can go and feel at home, so to speak, where everyone knows your name, as it were. there are a few, starting with bar bumpin'--the granddaddy of them all, i guess, and to which there has been much reference on this particular site over the past year--as well as one called "wherehouse" (which was much better back in the day when raswan was helping to run the show there) and another called "absolut" (which has a foosball table inside and a third-floor outdoor patio on which to enjoy drinks, the setting sun, the night air, and mosquito-infested summer conversation). these three, especially bumpin' and the wherehouse, are still quite popular among the round-eyes in the population, but there are limitations to them, as there are to all things.

every once in a while, there have been instances where one of our round-eyed masses has, at one of the aforementioned, climbed upon a chair, a stool, a stage, a fireplace mantelpiece, a mate's shoulders and strummed some tunes or spun some jams, but nothing on a sustained continuous basis because koreans aren't famed, especially outside of the big cities, for having such venues to play a guitar or to dance the night away while a DJ flaps the vinyl or read poetry or just have something akin to an "open mic" night. it's an alien concept in most korean towns and cities--save for about ten in the entire country where there's more of an attitude of acceptance and tolerance and, indeed, even just simply a market for it.

gangneung, for all its good qualities, is sorely lacking in such venues for non-koreans and koreans alike to enjoy together. if a non-korean--whether alone in a group of korean friends or in a group with non-koreans and/or koreans--tries to gain entrance into a korean nightclub, it is nearly scandalous. by definition, a nightclub is a place for all and sundry who can pay for drinks and perhaps an entrance fee to go and dance and flirt and grind and copulate and cogitate and ameliorate one's stress; in korea, a nightclub is not much different, except that it is far more xenophobic than the general korean public is.

usually, when patronising a korean-style nightclub, you rock up there with your friends and sit at a table that is part of a circle or some other shape conducive to overlooking the dance floor and the other patrons (in some cases, if you're a pompous ass with more money than the sperm count of a well-hung porn star--or you want people to think you're both rich and well-hung--you can be seated in a private room to be waited on with bated breath by a covey of lackeys; of course, most people of that ilk are most comfortable being seen by the masses so one's ego can be sated by the knowledge that so many are staring to see who it is that's spending so lavishly, so the private rooms end up having a more sinister purp0se, one that is laid out below). so, you have a few drinks and maybe have some finger food, you listen to the insanely loud music, shout at your friend who is less than 10 centimeters from you, watch the hilarious and juvenile-esque courting rituals that most koreans rely upon for their romantic endeavours, and go out and have a dance when the mood hits. sounds like it could be a fun time, but it's as exhilirating as being victimized by nuclear-bomb testing in your neighbourhood, and not many non-koreans, the ones who've yet to experience for themselves this exhilirating fun, understand why there is such a negative connotation associated with nightclubs amongst the expat community. that is, until they experience some of the following:

being refused entrance to nightclubs because you aren't korean; being expelled from korean nightclubs because your presence made the other patrons--i.e., all the koreans--uncomfortable and it was bad for business; being made to go with your group into an aforementioned enclosed room--but not allowed to go out and dance because you're being bludgeoned with feigned politeness that there is no need to go out on the dance floor because the private room is big enough for your group to dance (when the real reason is that you're being forbidden from going out onto the dance floor); being left with the hefty bill because the shithead(s) you were with-- usually koreans who, beforehand, had claimed to know the owner or DJ or one of the lackeys--promised a big discount on the bill but really was negotiating his way out of paying it.

sorry, i've gone way tangential--and in a very angry, though admittedly therapeutic, tone. back to the jewels...

anyway, gangneung lacks for places to dance, places for bands--or soloists--to get up and play some live music for an audience on a frequent basis, places to have poetry readings, places for an open mic night where all and sundry have a given amount of time to stand before a crowd and do whatever comes to mind. it's a shame, really, because there are people--of both korean and non-korean persuasion--that are talented and willing enough to get up in front of people and put on some sort of performance.

unfortunately, it sometimes seems impossible for this to happen because bars in korea don't mind the business that non-koreans give (and, often, it can be big business because expats are loyal to that with which they are comfortable), but they won't sacrifice their local clientele because, after all, expats are a more transient--and unstable--customer base than are locals. and, more often than a korean would have you believe, koreans won't patronise a bar on a given night when there are expats inside enjoying themselves--mr. xenophobia, please meet ms. dumbass. and, too often, if a bar becomes popular with expats, it loses its pull with locals; thus, you won't get the cultural mix that would be nice to have.

note: on the flip side, of course, is the fact that many expats won't very often patronise korean-style bars because these types of places only serve domestic, not imported, beer and liquor (usually soju) and many expats don't bother to study the language or immerse themselves in the drinking side of korean culture from a korean viewpoint; it's much easier to drink the familiar than to be brave on a consistent basis and go native, as it were...

as it is, the aforementioned "uncle 29"--so named because the owner's age and the fact that he became an uncle recently--is trying to be a bar that services locals and expats both. it only sells imported liquor, not domestic, and it serves imported brew more than it does domestic brew. there is an actual bar with stools--not common in korean-style places--and there are tables at which to sit and have a chat, as well.

and, on top of that, it is at this place that one of us roundeyes graces the crowd weekly with tunes from his guitar. his name is bryce and he plays live every monday night, strumming his six-string and doling out lyrics. hopefully, his pioneering efforts at doing live things here in gangneung can lead to more of similar-type shows at this or any other bar to which expats cater.

here are some photos from some recent gigs for you to enjoy. cheers, bryce, for blazing ahead...

bryce doing his thing...

i'm playing with the camera again, rendering bryce blurry...

nathan, in the fore, with alexis while i blow smoke in the amazing form of a lee thompson

ryan blows off steam while lee and alexis look on

this photo goes retro, evoking images of a softer, kindler, gentler era...

bryce does a double-take at what seung-hee says before realising her point...

the back of marc's head goes missing, but then he recovers in time for the next pose...

it's in the early stages, now....

but watch out once it gets rolling: my newly-acquired taste for playing with the HTML coding and adding things I think are cool to this site is in its infancy--such as the scrolling titles of posts from earlier this month--but now i've added, to your left, a clock that counts down to the world cup.

i'm not sure from what point on the planet this clock's time originates--though it comes from a u.k. site--because, according to the time on this clock, the first world cup match will start 11:00am, local (german) time, and i just don't think that's accurate, but what do i know...

i hope you enjoy watching the countdown to the world cup as much as i will...

in the village of the damned

one of my true loves in the world is sports, none more so than futbol (or, "football" as a variant of the spelling or "soccer", if that's your mug of ale) and in the world of club football, there is only one for me: newcastle united.

why or how i became such a fan of the toon--a displaced geordie, as it were--is irrelevant now and is fit for another time and place; let's just accept my loyalty to the 'pies at face value.

a few days ago--monday, april 17, to be precise--they had to venture only a few kilometers down the road to sunderland, the village of the damned, to play their hated rivals. to make this boring story short, the toon kicked the mackems' asses, 4-1.

the real reason for even daring to take up space here with mention of the ass-kicking is to revel in the post-game neanderthal theatrics that the mackems resorted to as a result of having their asses handed backwards to them by their neighbours. the following is from the "sunderland echo" the next day:

SHAMEFUL
VIOLENCE marred the 126th Tyne and Wear derby with shameful scenes on and off the pitch.

Sunderland's second-half collapse against their bitter rivals sparked fury among disgruntled fans. Supporters were left injured as the gangs of thugs brought shame to the city in what had been a trouble-free afternoon.

Police arrested 24 yobs in and around the Stadium of Light yesterday, mostly for public order and drunkenness. Although rival Sunderland and Newcastle fans were kept apart, trouble quickly flared after Sunderland conceded three goals in five minutes. Bottles were hurled at pockets of Newcastle fans in corporate boxes–some of which were cleared by police as Sunderland fans tried to get at rivals.

One disgruntled fan marched on to the pitch and hurled his season ticket in disgust–before being dragged away by stewards.

A large contingent of Black Cats' fans gathered outside the ground at the corner of the South Stand waiting for Newcastle fans to emerge from the stadium in what quickly became a congested area after the final whistle. Police had aimed the keep the area as a "sterile zone" in order to prevent clashes between the home and visiting supporters. But the atmosphere turned tense as the police surged forward in an attempt to disperse the gathering crowd. Angry mobs hurled coins while bottles of booze were smashed on the ground as mounted police moved in to clear the fans.

Flashpoints of trouble flared as Sunderland supporters gathered outside St Peter's Metro Station, where a large number of Newcastle fans were expected. More than 150 officers were brought in to clear the fans across Wearmouth Bridge, where an E2 Sunderland to South Shields bus had its windows smashed as frightened passengers could only sit and wait.

More bottles were thrown from alleyways behind the City Tavern pub as fans were chased into the city centre. As the tension grew, angry gangs began kicking shop windows and smashing advertising glass display units, charging towards Market Square. Avoiding the police presence, a 50-strong gang stormed into the north entrance of Sunderland Station in a bid to confront away fans travelling back to Newcastle.

However, as they rushed back out, they were followed by police armed with batons and pepper spray. Police dogs were then used to disperse crowds through St Thomas Street and down Fawcett Street–where flower barrels were overturned. Coaches carrying Newcastle fans away from the stadium were bricked–with at least one having a window smashed.

Of the 24 arrests at the match, 22 were made inside or in the immediate vicinity of the ground for minor public order offences and drunkenness.

there are many great things about following club football in england, aside from the sport itself and the actual matches themselves:

1. the entertaining way fans act after their teams get their clocks cleaned by their rivals in derby matches: case in point above, the unhappy sunderland fan who ran onto the field and tossed his season ticket booklet on the ground. how great is that? you would never see that kind of disgustedness from an american sports fan; instead, there would be an attack on the referee or officials or the other team' players. this guy got the satisfaction of flinging away his season ticket booklet. and kudos to glenn roeder, the newcastle gaffer, for giving the man a consoling handshake as he was hastened from the field by stadium security. just classic... made me feel sorry for mackem fans for the shite season they've had (but that sympathy lasted about five seconds; it is sunderland, after all...)

2. the even more colourful way that british scribes report such disturbances. is there a more colourful word in the english language to describe an ignorant dumbass than "yob"? why hasn't such a term caught on in american parlance to describe dumbass ignorant fans who rush the field in anger or hysteria or delirium and then cause damage to themselves, property, and others?

3. and whoever it was that claimed the british always have a stiff upper lip and handle things in mannered, classy ways has never been to sunderland. witness this from the sunderland radio commentator as, at the end of his match summarisation, he gave the final score as being, "f*ck off."

a wonderful thing about english sports is that this commentator will not be fired, he will not have to grovel and give some ghost-written excuse for his words, he'll probably just be fined and have to apologise on air for his misstep and then be allowed to carry on. his counterpart in america would never be able to find an on-air job again because of the climate of victorian political correctness that so permeates all devices of american society.

personally, i think the commentator's summarisation is hilarious, though i think he shouldn't take the final result quite so seriously nor do i think combustible reactions to his or any other comments of a similar sort should be lambasted by malcontents hiding behind their veneer of hypocrisy, either...

anyway, raise a newcastle brown ale in sympathy for all those unfortunate to be sunderland fans; they can't help it, they were just born that way...

wedding in jeonju

so, the eventful april continued this past weekend. adding to birthdays, remembrance ceremonies, the descent of yellow hell from china, and other piddling munches on the rind of life was a friend's wedding and my and seung-hee's one-year wedding anniversary--which happened to fall on the same day. additionally, we had to road-trip it from here in the northeast to jeonju, a city in north jeolla province--which is in the southwest part of the country. though phillip panty-waisted it by deciding that he'd had too much to drink on thursday night (and we were leaving on saturday morning), carlos stepped up to the plate and joined my wife and me on our merry jaunt to the southwest of korea, where, allegedly (and i say this as kindly as possible), there is the best cuisine in korea.

so, the three of us hopped on a bus saturday morning for the four(plus)-hour journey each way in hopes of seeing our good friend pieter marry myoung-sun, his fiancee, of seeing my mate chris (and na-ri, his woman), of meeting their friends, of eating good food, seeing the thriving expat community, sampling jeonju's bars, and generally rucking up some fun in another part of korea, especially in carlos's case, since he, in four years of being in korea, had only been to, like, three cities.

little did we know that none of our preplanning thoughts and ideas of how we hoped things'd go would be absolutely wrong.

as it turned out, about the only thing that went according to plan was hanging out with chris and na-ri and the wedding itself. everything else was not as it was supposed to be: i was unimpressed with jeolla province's claim of having the best food (especially kimchee) in the county--granted, though, we only really ate on meal there...; there was near-universal jeonju ostracisation of the gangneung contingent (well, of the gangneung males, anyway); carlos traveled all that way with seung-hee and me only to do exactly what phillip did back in gangneung: miss the wedding; and we missed out on doing some things we wanted to do for various reasons.

anyway, congratulations to myoung-sun and pieter on their nuptials. the ceremony was outstanding, especially the setting, which was in the courtyard of an old, historic confucian school set adjacent to a preserved village where development is disallowed. it was a quiet, beautiful place to have an outdoor wedding and, thankfully, the weather cooperated for the first time all month and everything on sunday for the wedding went as smoothly as all things covered in baby oil do in a porn flick.

all in all, a fun weekend with some good (and perhaps not-so-good) stories. catch some of the pics below for an visual idea of a sensory-filled (and, for some, sensory-dulling) weekend...

carlos, when he was still actually intending to be at the wedding

the seam in my jeans, just for the hell of it

a ubiquitous dave photo: of beer in a pub with no flash and strange shutter/aperture settings...

a one-armed carlos prepares for his monday classes...

with the groom-to-be before he took offense to my mocking of south african rugby and futbol

a club called jukebox, the scene of carlos's reckless attempt to ingratiate himself into jeonju...

as a new day dawned, chris clasps his head in disbelief at some drivel...

as the night grew old, na-ri feels the effects of the gangneung invasion...

a more lively, colourful rendition of why we went to jeonju...

the courtyard of the confucian school

the historical village adjacent to the wedding site

a beautifully-painted replica of a traditional-style gate

jeonju's east gate from days of yore

the sun setting on the jeolla province mountains

a black-and-white of a typical sunday on a crowded korean freeway

okay, back to the usual shinola...

as you may recall, i recently have come into co-owning a private english institute here in gangneung. now, our school isn't the biggest, nor the best, nor does it bring in the most income for its partners, but it is the most concerned for the students' well-being and their balancing of studies and leisure when it comes to learning english and practising it. our school isn't as concerned with putting asses in the seats at all costs in order for phillip and me to become monstrously and grotesquely wealthy. we want to have an income that's suitable for our lifestyles while at the same time creating an atmosphere that's comfortable for our younger and adult students alike.

(holy fucking orion belt, did that opening paragraph not sound like the beginning of a saccharine-flavoured heartwarming tv commercial? what the hell has come over me...? excuse me while i go reposition my lunch, kick a butterfly, lift hubcaps from imported cars, and shoot innocent kids playing in the street--oh, wait, sorry, i'm not a xenophobic, racist, dumbass israeli soldier, so strike that last one).

anyhow, our school decided to host a party last friday night so that our adult students could mingle with one another, have some chow and drinks, and meet some of the other english teachers lurking around gangneung so our students don't always have to put up with our ugly mugs and our fucked-up english ("our mugs" being phillip's mug and my mug, of course, and also carlos's, who happens to fart around three times a week at our school allegedly teaching one of our adults' classes). this get-together was something that the school did several times last summer, but had been suspended once the weather got to be chillier back in october and, thus, last friday's was the first one of the year.

we weren't sure what to expect since it was the first one of 2006. we arranged for it to be held at a nearby pub because if it were not within walking distance, it might lessen the chances that some students would come. happily, surprisingly, there were about ten that showed up. additionally, we had put out the word to most of the teachers (and i think there were some we forgot to invite--my sincere apologies; we won't forget you next time) and nearly 20 of them showed up, which was delightful. after the students and teachers all got some soju and beer in them--and a little bit of whiskey, as well--tongues started loosening, buttons started popping, the colours started blending, walls razed and nerves eased, clothes ripped off and thrown into corners in fits of lust...wait, got carried away there. anyhow, it turned into a damn fine night.

thanks to all who came, students and teachers alike. it was good for the koreans to meet other non-koreans and it was good for the teachers who only teach kids to have a chance to talk with grownups, even if some of those grownups were speaking english at a childlike level. sincerest cheers to all of you who helped make the night the spectacle it turned out to be. check out some of the photos below:

*warning: the quality of these photographs may be less than expert due to any, all of, or none of the following reasons:

1. the photographer was jostled every time he snapped a photo

2. the camera was left out in the rain overnight

3. there were too many christmas lights still up

4. rory, in oz, shot a wallaby and i was still in mourning

5. there was soju in the photographer's eye...

6. ...but none in his glass

7. a butterfly in brasil flapped its wings

8. the chinese and american governments stunned the world by issuing lie-free official statements

9. i saw elvis and hitler sitting in a tree, eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches

is that a star shining on nick or is he just happy to eat?
it's still christmas?
dylan grows red with rage when his former student opines that his english is now better than dylan's

a poll of 100,000 people revealed that no one knows exactly what this hand gesture actually means
in an unusual turn of events, the koreans are smiling more widely than the non-koreans
april, my wife, and julia taking a smoke break

dylan and michael auditioning for their roles in "peter pan"
only one of these people got the memo to strike a blurry pose

one year on...

he stared at the screen and wondered that perhaps some of the readers who regularly read the blathering bollocks on his web site were going to groan again when they read that day's entry point on the aetherspace-time continuum--and he felt it fully understandable if they did roll their eyes and think, "there he goes again"--but writing about that particular subject was a catharsis of sorts for him, a way of hopefully putting to rest some troubled thoughts about certain subjects in life.

it was tuesday, april 11, 2006, a few minutes to midnight and the culmination one of the most difficult and chaotic years of his 38 was just about over. it was one year previous to that day that peggy, his mother had died.

if the reader is thinking, "he just wrote about his mother less than two weeks ago," the reader would be right. unfortunately, peggy's birthday and the day she died were within less than two weeks of one another and her birthday just past and that day's anniversary of her passing marked the first time he had passed those days without her. he figured that some of the readers out there had experienced the feeling he was feeling--losing a parent or sibling or even a close friend--while he also thought that there were still others who hadn't yet experienced that type of loss. nearly everyone does, of course, during the course of their temporal existence on earth experience such things before their own passing and he would be forgiven for being allowed to indulge one more time in such detail.

catharsis was mentioned above in the first paragraph and it's important to denote that. the frequent mentioning and sharing of those past couple of weeks were born of two separate, yet equally powerful, burdens that he bore. the first--and oldest--was the suicide death of his best friend more than a decade earlier, still untalked about in any great detail, yet still a powerful presence in his life. the second one, of course, was the fact that he hadn't seen his mom in the last three years of her life, that his mother would never get to meet his incredible wife, or that his mother would never get to play with her future grandchildren. throw in the wedding to his wife five days after his mother's death, the foregoing of their honeymoon in lieu of attending a funeral, and the tenuous testiness of his relationships with his remaining family (a cousin or two aside) and it's a wonder, he thought, how he still had an intact marriage with his wife and friends still around him.

the first four or five months after the wedding-funeral gauntlet had tormented him and brought so many onrushing memories, unsolicited reminesces, indefensible guilt, and years of bottled emotion that he felt less than 100% nearly 99% if time. that he had made it a year without seriously damaging the oh-so-important relationships with his wife and multitude of friends was a testament to good fortune, good karma, and, thankfully, the great people he had had the good sense to choose as friends and the even better smarts he had shown by choosing the wonderful woman as his wife (choices about which both he had not always smartly selected in the past).

so, as the day drew to a close, as he and his bride performed a traditionally korean--though decidedly untraditional, as well, as only he could have done it--rite of ceremony in memory of his mom (see photo above), his thoughts and unflinching gratitude were with his wife, his cousin, his friends for being there for him when he was such a lout, with peggy (of course), and with helen--somewhere in the world and unreachable in recent days because two weeks had passed since her last update on her web site--whom he had known when helen was living in korea and whose mother, gill, had died on the very same day as peggy one year previous.

thus, as second person is upgraded to first person, i would be remiss if i didn't say thanks to my wife and all my friends for putting up with me and if i didn't also pay tribute to helen and her emotions on this day, as well.

here's to you, helen, and--on this day, at least--more importantly, here's to peggy and gill:

you ladies are sorely missed as people and, of course, as mothers. hoping all is well on the other side, we remain your loving progeny...

황사 (hwang sa)

what the hell is 황사 and why is it taking up a headline on my damned site? well, 황사 is an ugly phenomenon that afflicts korea and some other country to korea's east (um, that would be japan, for the geographically ignorant) every april. i'd like to be diplomatic and not blame it on the chinese (who live to korea's west, for the geography-impaired), but i cannot be diplomatic when it comes to the chinese and, besides, china IS culpable for this.

the english translation for 황사 is variously labeled yellow dust, yellow sand, or yellow wind, depending on your dictionary or your korean friends, but not, thankfully, yellow snow (now that would be something to get pissed about, in both senses of the word). personally, yellow wind is the most salacious because what this phenomenon involves is sand from the deserts of china (namely, the gobi and taklamakan deserts) that are carried east from inner china to immerse korea and japan in a haze of yellowness.

it's as if the whole sky has hepatitis and is continuing to guzzle vodka like it's water;

it's as if everything under the sky has powdered itself with horrendous yellow makeup in an effort to entice potential suitors whom all have liver problems;

it's as if a giant is in the sky banging together two giant-sized erasers full of yellow chalk.

it covers everything and then immerses everything else in its yellow nastiness.

these pictures have not been doctored (as they often are on this web site) and are not always of the same place taken in clear weather and then taken in this sickly, hazy yellow nuclear winter-like starkness, but these are before and after photos taken in relatively similar places, especially in the mountains.

this past weekend was the worst it's been in four years, according to the news, and it really was like something from a post-nuclear nightmare. not something one wants to put on the tourist pamphlet and not something the chinese ever admit responsibility for, but it's all here for everyone to see and breathe. korea and japan continue to invest money in their respective countries to provide shelter from it and into china itself to prevent the dust-up from being so bad, but with the china's continued breakneck speed of consumption, growth, and pollution, nothing is lessening the effects of this asphyxiating yellow wind, except, perhaps, a frantic, desperate chug of yellow snow the morning after a night of soju...

personal space (or, a lack thereof...)

to live in korea as a teacher of english means not living a lavish lifestyle, for the most part. the pay isn't bad; it, in all reality, is enough to survive comfortably and save a bundle at the same time, provided one doesn't decorate the local pubs--most especially the ones that don't serve domestic alcohol, only imported, western labels--on a nightly basis with one's ass, drinking prowess, and generally intolerable, boorish behaviour.

not boorish, per se, but...

living in korea as a teacher means, for the most part, that your accommodation is paid for by the school that employs you and such housing differs from school to school or city to city, depending, of course, on a number of factors, not the least of which is the generosity (or lack thereof) of the school's owner. the paid housing can be anything from an old, dirty shoebox one-room with a bathroom--and a washing machine inside said bathroom--to a two-bedroom apartment inside a three- or four-story building that might also include a restaurant or bookstore on the ground floor to immense three- or four-bedroom apartment in a high-rise apartment building. sometimes, any of these may or may not be dirty, clean, modern, ancient, fully-furnished, somewhat furnished, half-ass furnished, with a/c, or with any sort of amenities or conveniences.

~

if you're lucky, you live in a nice, modern, fully digital, high-rise with two or three other people that you've never met before in your life from some other part of the country or world (and hope you get along with them) or you live in a nice, clean, well-furnished--albeit, small--apartment by yourself; perhaps you enjoy living alone or perhaps you become great mates with your flatmates, but you're content, whatever the outcome.

the colourful in the background are the high-rises housing a 100 or more families each...

however, if you're unlucky, you live in a small, poorly insulated, dirty one-room shoehorn in which the bathroom houses a washing machine, a toilet, a shower, and enough filth to win a nobel prize in biology or to find a hundred new species of fungus--but no sink; or you live in a shared flat with intolerable dumbasses who always bum your smokes or borrow your underwear or toothbrush or diaphragm or drink all your beer or eat all your food; or you live in a high-rise with a hundred or more other families--and on one side of your flat lives one family with screaming triplets, a kid who likes to leave her bike right in front of your door every day, and the world's first baying-at-the-moon cat while on the other side lives a family where the couple constantly quarrel at 4am on weeknights, the teenager is a sullen kleptomaniac, and the grandmother is a freddy krueger-looking pyromaniac.

inside one of these buildings might lurk that fungus you've always been looking for...

having lived in korea for a sum of nearly six years altogether, i've experienced most of gamut--from the intolerable to the bad to the decent--but never anything spectacularly bad like some of the aforementioned examples or anything truly what i would call excellent, either, let alone unbelievably awesome. however, as has been documented in many other more revered and intelligent spaces than this one, it's amazing what human beings can become used to.

~

it is possible to experience joyful living (from a non-korean perspective) in this country, but one must have saved money and be willing to use it for such purposes--or just get plain lucky in finding a job at a school whose owner is generous and understanding. and after years of misses and near-hits, i am finally living in an apartment that i am truly excited about.

~

*author's note: i realise that all of this is trite, grousing on about previous flats here in korea and dribbling bollocks about my present flat--especially when i very easily, if seung-hee and i had made other decisions or taken other paths in our lives over the course of the last four years, could be living in a shanty on an indian beach or in a thatched hut in the thai mountains or in a tent on the plains of kenya or in a wooden house on the silk road--but it's what's on my mind as i put pen to paper at this point in time.

~

anyway, i digress. our present flat isn't the greatest flat in the history of domicilia, it's not the biggest, it's not the most modern, it's not the end-all of all ends--there is no house like that in the world, in my opinion--but it's a very good apartment. it's a normal, three-bedroom, two-bathroom flat with a kitchen, living room, and utility room fitted out for a washing machine, wood floors, electric heat, blah, blah, etc... but what sets it apart are these two outstanding features:

~

1: our building is four stories high and we live on the third floor. the fourth floor is unoccupied; in fact, it's an open-air roof to which only we on the third floor have access. it's bigger than our flat and is great for playing games of badminton, futbol, poker, twister, or hockey; it's perfect for nude sunbathing, orgies, spying on neighbours, growing plants of various fragrances and strains, keeping stolen zoo animals, dropping water balloons or rotten eggs on passing cars, setting up a telescope to watch the stars, or taking out joggers on the hiking trails across the street with a high-powered rifle. it's all that and more than you could expect from open-air roof access.

setting joggers in my sights while an orgy-cum-hockey match rages on behind me...

2: if you walk outside from our living roomthere you will find yourself on a huge porch, bigger than many of the apartments i've lived in while in korea. where i live in gangneung is called gyodong taekji, the newest part of gangneung and its fastest-growing. because it's new and because gangneung is not a big city, there aren't many tall buildings around, which gives us a great view of most of taekji--probably about 250 degrees worth. looking straight ahead from our porch, we overlook a vacant lot (which i'm tempted to buy just so the view will stay unobstructed), a side street, restaurants, and other buildings. not too far in the distance, i can see a plethora of buildings housing anything from bookstores to convenience stores to piano schools to kang's, my new school (a minute's walk away), and, beyond that, some of those high-rise apartment buildings to which i referred above. if you look off to the right, the view improves immeasurably, though there are still a multitude of not-so-tall buildings: there is a vacant lot on this side, too (again, tempted...)

which gives an unblocked view of gangneung university off in the distance, trees and forests, the mountains that line the northeast coast of korea, and--best of all--a beeline view of the sun setting on those very moutains. as the weather is warming up, it is amazing to sit on the porch with various friends, drinks, and/or foodlike or leafy substances and just take in the quiet. it's nearly pure bliss and you're all invited to come partake whenever you can.
a view of the sunset from our porch...