doin' time

rising up into the misty rain of lushed insouciance

every so often in a person's life of cycles, there comes a point where one realizes that his or her head is in the clouds and that he or she has lost focus on what is, in his or her circumferential reality, that which is true.

one sees "so-called" friends fuck over another friend--all in the name of dumbfuckness, absence of fraternal honour, and hope of getting in a chick's panties--and wonders about his choices. why do we choose the friends we choose? we are what we eat, so one saying goes, but we are also who we choose to befriend, as another saying goes. in the course of one's life, one is apt to take on scores of different countenances, viewpoints, preferences, partners, skins, responsibilities, wants, needs, lusts, desires, guises, diseases, fashions, chores, challenges, and friends...

each of these things that we take on while meandering the torturous path of life is indicative of that which lies deep within us, within our hearts broken by expectation, in our souls diminished by fear or enlightened by love, on our shirt sleeves of anger, in our eyes wild with delight, over our skin trembling with vengeance or lust, around our aura wobbling with anticipation. they are, by all accounts and in different points on the revolution of the circle, inclusive of betrayal and iniquity, faithfulness and honour, commitment and responsibility, libertine behaviour and judgmental prudeness, deceit and honesty, courteousness and aggressiveness, arrogance and humility, selflessness and narcissism, bad judgment of fashion and good judgment of character.

we see our friends do something well or respectful or honourable or funny or smart or insanely cool, it reflects back on us and it makes us feel good about about ourselves and we congratulate ourselves on making good choices, for being such a good person, for being bright enough to relate to what just happened. when we see a friend do something stupid or embarrassing or dishonourable or disgusting or menial, we are ashamed because it reflects back on us and it doesn't make us feel good about ourselves, we admonish ourselves as to why we chose this person as our friend, for being a dumbass to associate with such a dumbass. however, as true friends, we buck up and accept it and try to limit the valleys and peaks that we inevitably want to feel and that are so natural for us to emote.

it is when our "friends" do things to break the trust, when they cross the line of respect, when they blur the line of confidence and trample publicly on what was thought to be the integrity of the relationship that the relationship breaks down and we wonder what happened to our reality, to what we thought was right and true. it is a major disappointment and can waver one's belief in oneself and the others around him or her thought to be close and trustworthy. and such negative energy doesn't always have to happen directly to us; it can happen indirectly, such as to a close friend--in fact, witnessing it happen to someone else close to you in both a blessing and a curse: a blessing in that since it didn't happen to you, you probably have more of an ability to step back and take it all in objectively and learn from it more unfetteredly; a curse in that, in all reality, what was done to this friend was done by people whom you also considered friends and that has a tendency to wake up one up as one would be awoken by electrical prod into one's most sensitive orifice(s).

all in all, though, it comes ultimately down to choices we make, honesty, remaining committed to that which we pledge to those who depend on those pledges, and respect. one should always have respect for other entities, but one should hold a special respect for those whom we've chosen to be friends because there is something more unique there, a bond that deserves a higher level of respect, a chance for choice to be close to that which we don't always get with our families. unfortunately, respect is an item that, these days, is more and more vacant in the people's lives and item without which people seem to live without much remorse for not having it.

anyway, of course one occasionally--even frequently--has to change the choices that have been made, has to alter the commitments proferred, take a different path of honesty because of the gray area called "life's unpredictability" and "universal nonlinearity"; it would be unrealistic always to deny that changes can't be made and aren't going inevitably to arise at (in)convenient moments, but one has to be aware of these changes, one has to be aware of how much these changes are going to affect not only him or her, but those around him or her, the ones, as stated above, who were depending on the previously-tendered commitment.

should one's thinking change, should one want to back out of any said commitment, should one never have been serious in honoring said commitment, then one should have the fortitude and respect for others to voice these new intentions, to give warning so that the others around who were somewhat (or wholly) dependent on the former commitment can be made aware of the changes so that they can deal with accordingly and also seek a new path for themselves. it goes without saying that there are some people who are aware enough of themselves and all that goes on around them to distance themselves even if there is no warning given, but this warning should still be given out of respect for people and for Life itself.