19 ramadhan 1426

it's october on the east coast of korea, so the leaves must be a-changin'

though it is a korean cliche to say it, autumn here on the peninsula, especially on the east coast near the mountains, is a time for splendid colours as the leaves change from their summer of rich green to the bright electricity that is a myriad of oranges, reds, yellows, and everything in between. as cliche as it is--and as much as it's impossible to find a place here that isn't being run over with dumbasses from all over (but especially from seoul) who would run over their deathbed-ridden mother in order to get a simple look at the same colours that they saw last year just so they can go back to work on monday and brag to their co-workers over their afterwork soju that this year's colours were the most spectacular in the history of northeast asia--it is beautiful to climb about 850 meters on a two-lane road (intead of taking the super-convenient expressway)up into the mountains directly overlooking gangneung and see the valley below, all the way to the sea and beyond, in all its splendor: i can only imagine what it looks like when all covered with snow and will endeavour to post such a phot o in this very aetherspace as soon as it becomes possible to do so...

anyway, as much as i suppose it wouldn't be much of an autumn in korea if one didn't light up the camera with photos of the changing leaves, i also suppose it wouldn't be much of a week in the cyber world if one didn't receive an email of the following ilk:

Hello, my friend.

My name is Tobias, and I am a Nigerian scam artist. I just wanted to get that out in the open before we begin. Your rich uncle has just…What is that? You have no rich uncle? What I meant to say is that you have won an internet lottery. Yes, that is right, 10 million Euros, you have won it before no? Oh, you are not an EU citizen… You have never even been to Europe? Ok let me begin again.

Dear sir. I princess Imelda, hair aparent (please be excusing I cannot spell Heir or Apparent) of Wankaslovakia wish to copulate with you greatly. Sorry I am meaning "Cooperate" with you greatly. I am needing a moron, I mean, motivated individual willing to help me defraud a country of starving peasants, of 10 million US dollars. Simply send me your credit card details, (there is the matter of a minor 5000 dollar fee) and I will send you back fuck all. Sorry, what I am meaning is Bill Gates will track the email personally, and he will send you back fuck all.

No, no, no, no! My, this English can be quite vexing. Please be ignoring my poor English, and the fact that my email address is an entirely different name from who I purport to be. Bill Gates be my homeboy, we have been scamming you fuc… Oh, I am wishing I had not taken that sodium pentothal before writing.

Jesus this stuff is strong! Infact, there is no Wankaslovakia, and my name is not really Imelda… No, shit, I can't stop myself. I spend all the money you send me on petrol for my Lexus and cheap whores.Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Please be forwarding this letter to your grandparents, the mentally ill, and the reality illiterate so that I may defraud them of their life savings.

Sincerely,

Tobias Fuckknuckle

to which i wrote the following response in order to combat these evil minions with some of my own scaremongering tactics that these scam artists so deserve:

dear tobias...

my name is grammar manmeat and i am a 35-year-old blue-haired idiot savant garde-ian angel from key largo, just north of the irish keys (no relation to the keys lying in a heap on the floor of my kitchen...)

i am happy to get your email, but i must admit that i have problems with some of the spelling and grammar errors in your email. my mummy and daddy were open-sphinctered english teachers at the local whorehouse/haberdashery and, thus, christened me with the name, "grammar", and glistened me, as well, with some of their bodily juices during their thrice-or-more-nightly pipe-cleaning/oral english sessions. i have just come into a large sum of money, which i inherited my from recently-deceased parents, so please exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcuse me if my fingers seem to catch on the keyyyyyyyyys from time to time, as my finnngeeeers are still a bit sticky. once iiiiiiiii separate the bbbills from onnnnnne another, i'll be abbble to take all the moneeeeeey to the bank and wire it to you, because yyyyyyyyyyouuuuuuuuuu seem to need it more than iii do.

your email has struckkkkkkkkk a soft spot in my heart (and caused some sticky spotsss on my moneyy) and i don't believe your lies of yourrrrr wannntingggggg to defraud a country of starving peasants. i can seeeee in your letttter that you are a kind-heaaaarrrrted soul who wants nothing but the best for his/her country and ffffor the citizens of this cold, vacuous, and selfish world. i'd verrry muchhh like to help you and, sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, i have a proposition for you:

if you agreeeeeeeee to marry me and be my idiot slag, i'll deposit in any agreeeeeeable orifice all the manmeat you could hope to slobber over, in your bank account all the money you could hopppppe to lick, and into your nearly empty aptitude for english all the grammar you could hope to absorb and use efficiently.

please take some time ttttttttttttttttttto mull over my considerate and comely offer and i can save you from your life of de(pro)stitution and infamy. i could help transform your emails into works of (sm)art for the sole purpose of extracting from manpipes all that you so richly deserve instead of trying so hard to pretend you're trying to extract monnnnnnnnnney from the ignorant and lonely.

yours in true savant garde-ian angelhood...

grammar manmeat

it is my sincere belief that we not give in to these people who would try to steal our money, to pilfer our bank accounts, to make off with our savings, and heist our insurance premiums, all in the name of taking first-world money and spreading it upon the less-needy denizens of the third world. we need to keep the money for ourselves here in the upper crust, in the more "civilized" part of the world, and not give in to the cyber-terrorism that slinks its way into our daily emails and scuppers our imperialistic self-esteem, our narcissistic cradling of the world's natural resources for our own necessary usage, and our self-indulgent evangelising in the name of western civilisation, capitalism, jesus, joseph, and sweet mother mary.

thus, i propose that we all send such letters as the one from "grammar" to all of these third-world hooligans in an effort to put an end to all of this global harrassing.

call it "pre-emptive emailing..."