here at last! here at last! holy shit, it's here at last!

...and i don't mean the clap, a plague, or korea's monsoon season, either.

i woke up early this morning, too overcome with excitement to sleep anymore. my--and many others' around the world--wait is finally over. the world cup is back and ready to kick off later today. as i sit here trying to figure out where to watch tonight's opening two matches, i will finish bludgeoning you with my fearless, jeerless, queerless, tearless, and veerless predictions.

semifinal 1:

holland v. usa: well, the u.s. would finally have arrived on footie's international stage by getting to this advanced stage of the tournament, though no one in the "imperial 50" would probably notice. however, in the land of windmills and dykes (not those dykes, but the original meaning of the word), there would be euphoria transcending even the usual effects of amsterdam's hash cakes and cookies. at this point in the tournament, anything is possible for either team and both would surely be deserving of a place in the finals, but, alas, it would not be meant to be for the yanks. the dutch, backed by a raucous homefield advantage of orange-clad maniacs in dortmund, would persevere and carry through to the finals.

semifinal 2:

england v. czech republic: by now, all of england would be in hysteria and all of the czech republic wandering around bavaria drunk less from ale than from giddiness. owen, rooney, and john lampard would be just short of being knighted at this point. whereas germany couldn't really gain homefield advantage because of czech republic's proximity to the world cup venues, the czechs would be no match for the english, who would turn munich into "london on the continent". this fever-pitch support would carry the english past the stubborn, gallant, persistent czechs, which would set up a monumental final...

3rd place match:

who gives a damn, honestly? why is this match played?

final:

england v. holland: in many respects, this would be a dream final, a cracker of tantalising proportions. two championship-starved sets of supporters. two sets of maniacal fans hell-bent on drinking germany and the surrounding region dry should their respective teams get to the final. the two nations which gave rise to hooliganism and have put a face to all police officers' fears the continent over. umbro v. nike. the three lions badge v. the one lion badge. red v. oranje. bass ale v. heineken lager. rooney v. van nistelrooy. campbell v. van persie. owen v. davids. terry v. robbens. two evenly-matched teams for world footie supremacy.

in the end, i would have to stick to my original prediction from months ago, when the fixtures were first announced. i believe in symmetry and this tournament has had symmetry written all over it since the beginning. in 1966, england won its only world championship over germany. it all comes full circle, forty years later, in germany, as england raise the championship cup a second time.

heartbreak for the dutch, but two reigning world titles, simultaneously, for the ever-insufferable english fans in rugby and football.

if i'm right, i promise not to gloat. if i'm way off, then i hope it's your team that won...